The Conversation That Changed My Life
I visited my mom at least monthly after she was diagnosed with brain cancer. For two years, I don’t know who had been organizing my life. Almost certainly operating on autopilot, I have no idea how I made it through. Prayer, hope, despair, more prayer. It all seemed deficient. Nothing would be enough to simply hear some good medical news. The optimist that I am always finds a way to stay hopeful. Hope, denial, perhaps in times like these they are the same. For a short time, she was in remission. And on one of those visits, I spent precious hours complaining about how I hated my profession, and how I’d die if I didn’t find a way out of it. I was and am a woman of many words. My mom, was a woman of few. When I came to the end of my monologue of complaints about the long hours, the boring assignments, the failed promotion, and how I felt like I had no purpose on this earth, mom responded, “So what you want is to be free?” And I replied, “Yes! That’s it! I want to be free!”
I had allowed my career to become my trap. Instead of actively shaping my professional life into what I wanted it to be, I took whatever it brought to me, and I resented it. I was stuck in a box that I had built around me. Each time I didn’t speak up when I hadn’t received the good work or the opportunity, I put up a wall. Each time I remained in a role when I should’ve left, I built a wall. At any time, I could’ve chosen to leave. I was the one who had built the wall. It took too many years for me to learn that no one really hands you the good stuff, even when you have earned it. You have to tear down walls and go after it. You can’t grow resentful when it’s you who built the walls, when it’s you who built the trap. The trap isn’t physical, it’s mental. This means it’s entirely within your control: how you think, what you believe, when you stay or when you leave. The conversation with my mom brought down all the walls I had built around me. I would prepare to leave my home on 11th Street in Washington D.C.
“When I realized two ways I could live my life, letting dreams die or living loud, I had to decide I’d do more than survive, so in the next five years…I’ll make my mark in the sky. Won’t let life pass me by. You’ll see me flyin’ high. I’ll do more than survive.””
This link will take you to the song. The Next Five Years If you’re feeling stuck, like you’re trapped and surrounded by walls, I hope you’ll close your eyes, somewhere quiet, and let it inspire you.